I was up at 3:30 this morning and tried to do this post but things work a little different with this 3G thing I couldnt get to the net and I didnt want to wake ken up to ask! So now its 7:30 and we are getting ready to go to our first visit of the day with the kids. Thank you to EVERYONE that sent a comment!!! It really does help in some strange way being so far away from home and then getting suggestions, advice, good wishes and and annoying comments from Jodi. Truly it made my sleep that night so much better! Luke did much better the next day! Roc on the other hand, not so much. The caretaker can not bring all three kids back so Roc being Roc always wants to be the one to bring back on of them. This day they went to their rooms and she had Luke. About 4 steps from the top he stopped. He knew where he was going and he didnt want to go. Roc picked him up and brought him to his room. He would not let go of her. It took 5 caretakers to release his tiny little (strong) arms from Rocs neck. Then on the way back down the steps she walked through the room where the picture of Dani was taken on the RR site. The room was full of kids. All of them saw her and went running to her. One little boy was getting his hair cut and put his arm out and she grabbed it, held it and then hugged the little boy. When she came outside the gates where Ken and I were waiting for her I saw something was wrong and asked her what was the matter? First you have to know that the nick name Roc fits her to a tee. She is a tom boy. Nothing really dainty about her. Ken says she is like a bull in a china shop. She loves, loves, loves soccer and sports and is very good at them. She is very competitive and Wants and Loves to win. She has a strong will and determination so you dont see a lot of tears of sadness from her. She just picks herself up and moves on.
I asked her what was wrong and she BROKE down. Sobbing asking me why nobody comes for these kids. Nothing is wrong with ANY of them. They kept want me to touch them, hug them, pay some kind of attention to them and I almost started crying in front of them. I had to leave. I can't do that again. I can't see that again. I don't understand it.
What I told her is different than most people reading this blog believe. At least from what I have read on your blogs.
I told her that this is what makes it so hard for people like me. I dont believe God has Josh's or Luke's or for the matter He had your life planned. What I believe is that God gave us free will. My God did not pick Josh OVER Benjamin to find a family. That was all my doing, all of our doings. I let Benjamin down. We all let Benjamin down. My God did not want Benjamin sent to where he was sent. My God wants there to be NO orphans. But My God gave His people FREE WILL to change it. Thats what I told her. Then I said you know what Roc, you have to think of it as it not being about you but about the kids or whoever you may come in contact with during this journey. I found out about all this when I was 26. You get to find out about it when you are 15. You have 10 more years on me to make a change, some change. Today you made a change. You touched a little boy and hugged him. He felt it. He received it from you. He will hopefully remember it.......Its all about free will. What we chose and what we set aside so that we dont feel the pain or the saddness.
By the time our taxi ride was over to bring us home she said thats what I have to do. I have to do that everyday from hear on out. Talk with the kids, hug the kids, play with the kids. The caretakers didnt seem to mind me hugging that little boy so I'm just going to do it.
I knew when I was awoken at 3am that the events of the day hit her hard. She was having some kind of nightmare and screaming no, no, stop it. I just came out and laid beside her till she calmed down, never waking.
She is still sleeping now. I'm proud of her. I love her. I hope today is easier for her and that the 10 years extra I gave her from the age I was when I started making a change will benefit her as a person. I know it will benefit the kids she plans to touch in her life time.